When daughter comes out, Mom is there
BY ALISON RYDER Special to the Voice
No longer living in Pelham, my mom has a subscription to this paper, and was nice enough to email me the Pride articles from the Voice last June. She encouraged me then to share my story, as it was noted that a female perspective would be appreciated. At the time, I was extremely busy with work and studies, so I told her that she should write her story, from the perspective of a mother of an individual who identifies LGBTQ2+. She laughed and said she would not know what to write, so this year I thought I would submit the story of us together, how we have both learned to be our true selves, living in Pelham since the 1980s.
I did not acknowledge my true identity until after I went to university the first time, but now that I regularly walk the halls of high schools throughout Niagara, it gives me hope to see how diversity is celebrated, and differences are used as a tool to teach perspective and empathy. This is not just my story, but also the journey that my mom traversed, like many parents whose children identify as LGBTQ2+. They fear rejection, violence, hate, discrimination and ostracization, not only for their children, but for themselves too.
Many of you know my mom, Ellen Schmidt, a retired administrative assistant for the Town of Pelham’s planning department, but you probably know her better as “Fro.” If you have ever wondered why, she had an epic perm most of my life. If you happened to have called the Town of Pelham in the ‘90s and aughts to ask about recycling, you probably got a lecture from her about proper sorting and pre-cleaning of your waste (to this day, she has the neatest recycling I have ever seen). Fro is going to be 80 years old this year, and reflecting on what I know of her life, I realize how lucky I am to have a mom who is willing to fight for what she believes in, to advocate for the vulnerable, and who has more spreadsheets than one woman should be allowed (I know I’m not the only one who receives monthly spreadsheets from her).
Fro is the first one to spend money on a charity (our Christmas and birthday gifts have been successful bids from charity auctions), donate her time and money to fundraising causes, and is the first person to help someone — anyone. Although Fro doesn’t have formal post-secondary education, she has always supported my academic pursuits, and is a proponent of lifelong learning, whether she realizes it or not. Simply being the parent of a child identified as LGBTQ2+ requires education, personal and social growth, as well as courage to learn about acceptance and constantly evolve with changing norms. This is a story to provide a different lens in which to see LGBTQ2+ in a small town, inspire growth through acceptance, and encourage everyone to be open to lifelong learning. Our community could only hope that we are all a little more like Fro.
Like most people who identify LGBTQ2+, I have a coming out story. I assume everyone is familiar with this rite of passage, where we need to disclose to our friends and families who we are sexually attracted to. It is an often-uncomfortable conversation you do not ever want to have with your parents, and I ask my friends who identify as heterosexual, how old were they when they had to sit their parents down to let them know they are straight? I decided to tell my mom after completing my first degree, and Dr. Richard, I still give you credit for encouraging me to come out to my mom after my shift at the restaurant—you changed my life, and for that, I thank you.
Fro’s reaction to me telling her I was gay was tears, as she did not want me to have a hard life, and as many parents do, she questioned what she did as a mother in my development to have impacted this aspect of my being. I am watching my friends raise their kids, and struggle with the same questions. Even if it is not about sexuality, parents reflect on their child-rearing abilities regardless of the issues with their kids. I have two male friends who each have a child that identifies as non-binary, and these men are happy to have met each other through me. They were always afraid to talk about it at work, and have silently struggled with their own understanding, for fear of how their friends, extended family and co-workers will react.
About ten years ago, Fro introduced me to one of her friends, who was not out and who had never come out to herself or others, especially her parents. I understand that growing up in the ‘60s and ‘70s was not easy for individuals who are LGBTQ2+, and for that I acknowledge my privilege. Fro realized that her friend missed a lifetime of happiness, due to her fears of disappointing her family, embarrassment in society, and the lack of availability of supports. Out of our shared experiences, we have both learned to be friendly and welcoming to everyone, because you never know what they have gone through, what they are going through, and to ask if there is something you do not understand. Fro once noticed a server wearing a button with pronouns she did not understand and approached them from a position of genuine interest. If it is not addressed in a derogatory manner, people who wear these buttons are open to engage in conversation with hopes of increasing understanding and acceptance regarding gender identity. Really try to imagine how it feels for a moment if you are told that you are not permitted to love the person you love, and to act/dress like a completely different person than you feel? I was once told by a former employer to “straighten up” prior to visiting a client, so I put on a skirt and did the best I could. Acting is a difficult job, and I should know. I played a heterosexual for 19 years.
Out of our shared experiences, we have both learned to be friendly and welcoming to everyone, because you never know what they have gone through
So, how has this amazing woman impacted my life, growing up LGBTQ2+ in Pelham? Fro supported, encouraged, accepted, and loved me no differently than my sister. Because of Fro’s welcoming nature, I have inherited her kindness, and my 11-year partner from Germany has finally become accustomed to regular and plentiful visits from former students at Niagara College (who coincidentally come by at dinnertime). We learned to open our door, like Fro did, when she moved my 98-year-old grandmother into her house to be cared for in her final years. Fro did most of the work, learning how to operate the mechanical lift and bed, welcomed strangers into her house to help in her care, and completely upheaved her life for someone else. Fro was there when Grandma passed away peacefully in her sleep on Boxing Day, after celebrating her final Christmas with the family, and while we on our way to help her Fro thought it would be best to let the authorities know. When we arrived, it was like Christmas all over again, with the entire Fonthill Volunteer Fire Company, police, and ambulances there. Lesson learned, do not call 9-1-1 and tell them that your mother has died in your house.
Although Fro claims to have settled down in her later years, she taught me how to have a good time, and allowed me to have a huge 19th birthday party, with adult friends in one room, teenagers in the other, and a singing monkey in the bathroom. One of my friends indulged a little too much, and Fro caught her with her head in the kitchen sink, understandably upset. Fro got a message from that friend about five years ago, apologizing again for the incident, and let Fro know that she has become a cardiac surgeon and owes her one if ever needed! Fast forward 21 years later, and Fro Googled how to do her hair in a faux-hawk—or "fraux-hawk"— when she attended my 40th birthday party. The theme of the party was “dress-up like Ali,” and Fro won first place based on audience applause. However, she politely relinquished her crown to the runner-up, when she learned the prize was an all-expenses paid night out with me.
Fro has shown me that you are never too old to learn, and I have taken that to heart. As I returned to school numerous times as an adult, Fro has always encouraged and supported my endeavours, and was extremely excited for me when I began instructing at Niagara College. She regularly comes to campus for special events which the students are hosting for the community and wanders the halls saying hi to the many faculty who grew up in her house (often with her chasing them with threats of being smacked with her rubber-soled slippers). Fro was eager to sign up for a seniors-learning series and attended Niagara College to learn about data mining/cyber safety, dispelling myths of cannabis, and technology. I was able to take the group on a tour showing how Niagara College implements technology in education and I used Fro to display our Virtual Reality equipment. She proudly told her peers in the class that I was her daughter and managed to not get sick when I put her on a virtual roller coaster.
I have been able to take Fro’s lead when I see a need around me, and in my role as an Academic Advisor with Niagara College I encouraged the students to start an LGBTQ2+ social club. Due to my involvement with that initiative, and other community efforts, I was the recipient of a Canada 150 Award, and Fro even beat my sister in cheering the loudest from the crowd. It hit me then that the fear of disappointing my mom because of my identity became her proudest aspect of me. Fro has become my biggest cheerleader, attending the E. L. Crossley graduation with me, sitting among the dignitaries, as I returned as the alumni speaker. Unfortunately, Maryann Mergl introduced me as one of the funniest people she knows, however my speech was far from funny, but rather taking the grads on a devastatingly descriptive journey of the challenges they will face post high school.
Recently completing my masters, I am still fortunate to instruct courses part time, but have truly found my fit at Niagara College as an Outreach and Education Coordinator with recruitment. I can make meaningful connections with prospective high school students, helping them with career exploration and pathways to achieving their dreams, but I also meet and reassure their parents who have just as many questions. Parents and guardians meet me at events, wearing the NC Inclusive button, and are comforted knowing that their kids will be attending a welcoming and diverse institution of learning.
I was approached by a mom in a restaurant a few years ago, thanking me, as her daughter who identifies LGBTQ2+ attends Niagara College. The mother was grateful that her daughter has a professional role model to look up to, which profoundly humbled me. Growing up, my only role model was Ellen DeGeneres, and as she ended her 19-year talk show last Thursday, she used her platform to reinforce love and acceptance once again: “If someone is brave enough to tell you who they are, be brave enough to support them, even if you don’t understand.”
As a requirement for good standing in the lesbian community, I attended the Jann Arden concert in last week, joining the crowd in belting out “Good Mother” (reminding those of us who still have moms, how lucky we are), and the final words of that song resonated with me: “Just be yourself, just be yourself, just be yourself.” Most people can be themselves, but many still cannot. I know some of the latter, and hope that existing stigmas continue to change. This has been just a small part of our LGBTQ2+ story, and Fro and I continue to learn, laugh, and grow together. Happy Pride!◆
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